


Fire Walk with Jay

by RedLetterMistress



Category: Jay Bauman - Fandom, Red Letter Media, RedLetterMedia RPF
Genre: Blow Jobs, Cunnilingus, Dancing, F/M, Kissing, NSFW, Naked Cuddling, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Sex, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-08 14:46:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17388350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedLetterMistress/pseuds/RedLetterMistress
Summary: You're a foul-mouthed, film-obsessed fangirl who pines over Jay Bauman every time you watch Red Letter Media videos. When you find out that they're making a last minute appearance at your local convention, you're determined to see Jay in person.Cute/awkward interactions with YouTube personalities, movie references, drunk dancing, Talking Heads, and of course, smutty smut.-- Just doing God's work by posting my sexual fantasies about Jay Bauman. --





	1. "No Fucking Way!"

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very very very first fic. Please feel free to leave me comments or messages. I'd love feedback.

"No fucking way!"

Jay Bauman was heading to the biggest nerd convention near you in less than a week.

You had ordered your weekend passes weeks ago, hoping to get an autograph or two from Y.K. Kim or George Sestero. Finding out that Jay Bauman would be a last-minute addition to the con proved that your decision to take a week off of work surrounding the event was absolutely justified. Who wants to use their vacation time to visit their families, anyway?

As excited as you are at the possibility of being in the same room with your all-time-number-one-favorite YouTube celebrity, after your initial giddy scream you realize:

_Oh fuck! What the hell am I going to wear?_

The event was still days away, but you run from your computer and throw open the door of your closet. You quickly slash through your modest selection of clean clothing.

_Maybe I should go with my sexy…uh…_

You cut yourself off, noticing that you have (with the exception of a few awesome Halloween costumes) next to nothing that would be considered in the least bit sexy. 

_Unless he’s into chicks with nerdy graphic T-shirts._

You make a mental note to nice buy a dress one of these days.

_Maybe the Jason X as Neil Armstrong shirt? No, that’s too niche._

_Oh! My _Gremlins 2_ shirt signed by Zach Galligan? No, he’ll think it’s pandering. _

“Why the fuck don’t they make sexy T-shirts, goddamn it!” you yell out to no one in particular.

But then it hits you; your tightest, sheerest, and most loved T-shirt! Hell, wearing that shirt basically turned YOU on, it could totally work on Jay. Right?

Reaching into the back of your closet, past several dozen more quirky T’s, you find it. You lovingly pull the garment out of the rack and run your hand across the printed image on the front of the shirt with pride.

_Yes. I think this might do just nicely._

You quickly rip off your comfy flannel shirt and toss it on your bed. Next comes the swift removal of your ratty lounge pants; absent-mindedly thrown in mostly the same direction as your top.

As you face yourself in the floor-length mirror in your room, you look down to see your completely mismatched bra and panties. You give yourself an approving set of double finger-guns. Time to practice.

“Oh hi, Jay! It is ‘Jay,’ Right? From the internet? Cool cool. Sounds fun. What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

_Shit, that’s fucking lame. He’s going to know you know him, you weirdo._

Slightly deflated, you decide it’s time for some cheering up with a modeling montage. You pull your phone off of the charger and queue up the perfect music for this moment. Your eyes light up when you find the right track.

Breezy synth music comes blasting though your BlueTooth speaker as you picture yourself mugging around with Kim Cattrall and Andrew McCarthy:

 _Sometimes I watch you while you're sleeping, baby_  
_Sometimes I see you hold your pillow tight_  
_Am I the one you're holding onto, honey_  
_Am I the one who's in your dreams at night_

The music continues on as you grab your best pair of jeans from your open dresser drawer; dark blue and tattered but with an uncanny ability to take your ass from a solid B to a straight A+. You tug on your jeans and pull down your favorite shirt.

“Would Jay Bauman make out with a girl who dances half-naked in her room to the _Mannequin_ soundtrack?”

 _Fingers crossed._  

You turn to face the mirror and look down at the image of a grinning Kurt Russel holding an assault rifle and CB radio mic, stretched tautly over your breasts. Twisting slightly, you take in the full view of your vintage, _Big Trouble in Little China_ shirt hugging your curves. It might not be very low-cut, but it is so thin and tight that you can make out the color of your bra through the flimsy material.

You reach out to the mirror to shake your hand.

“Oh, hey, it’s great to meet you, Jay. Why I AM single; thanks for asking. What was that, Jay? Oh yes, these are my tits. I call them Merry and Pippin because one’s bigger than the other. Would you care to find out which is which?”

_Four days, Bauman._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> The modeling montage song _Do You Dream About Me?_ is by Alisha. If you've never done an 80's-style fashion montage, I strongly suggest you do so to this song: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZyVDGAhMrA](url)
> 
>  
> 
> References:  
> • The title of this piece, _Fire Walk with Jay_ , is based on the _Twin Peaks_ movie _Fire Walk with Me_.  
> • YK Kim is the brains behind one of the best worst movies ever, _The Miami Connection._  
>  • Greg Sestero plays Mark in _The Room_ , another terrible film. He also wrote _The Disaster Artist_ (book, not screenplay).  
> • _Jason X_ takes place in space because they ran out of ideas.  
> • Zach Galligan plays Billy Peltzer in _Gremlins, Gremlins 2,_ and if there's any goodness left in this world, _Gremlins 3_.  
> • _Mannequin_ is a horrible 1987 movie starring Kim Cattrall, Andew McCarthy, James Spader and G.W.Bailey (from the _Police Academy_ movies).  
> • _Big Trouble in Little China_ is my favorite movie and you should watch it. Like now.  
> • Merry and Pippin are two of the hobbits from _Lord of the Rings_. One's taller than the other, but you'll have to read the book to find out which one!


	2. Four Days Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You psyche yourself up to meet your crush.

Checking into your con hotel room, you find yourself smiling ear-to-ear thinking about the possibility of finally meeting Jay in person. All thoughts of sitting through leather-working and prop-making workshops have fallen by the wayside. Even the thrill of meeting Mike Stoklasa or Rich Evans has faded. You’re there for one reason, and that’s to get your hands on Jay.

_God, get a hold of yourself!_

_Hmmm. Now that’s an idea…_

But there’s no time to rub one out before you get in line to meet him. You’re too distracted and those jeans are damn near vacuum-sealed on to your legs. You don’t want to have to wrestle with getting those back on. You take a shot out of the brand new Jameson bottle on your nightstand and do one last check in the mirror before heading down to the convention floor.

Twenty minutes later, you find yourself surrounded by hundreds of your fellow nerds. It seems like every other guy there is decked out in three-wolf-moon shirts or cybergoth goggles. All the girls are dressed as some kind of steampunk Disney Princess or Daenerys Targaryen to varying levels of success. The skin-tight cosplay on the hottest women starts to make you second guess your choice of clothing. One girl in particular waiting in line in front of you sporting a barely-there Black Widow leather number and has you particularly concerned.

Would Jay, red-blooded American male and notorious Marvel shill, even take one notice of you after her?

After another 10 minutes, Black Widow has made her way to the autograph table. You focus all attention on Jay. Time seems to slow to a crawl. Your mouth runs dry as sparkles start to form around his tight body. _Dream Weaver_ begins to play in your mind.

_He's so fucking beautiful._

The music in your head screeches to a stop the second he looks up at the Black Widow. Will he be enchanted by this leather-clad vixen? Is all hope lost?

Jay looks up from his small table at the Romanov knockoff. He smiles simply and nods his head as you hear her prattle on about how much she loves the show.

_Oh, that bitch! Don’t fall for it, Jay._

Looking what you hope is dejected, she steps a little down the line, following her Red Letter Media poster as it’s passed along and signed by Jay, then Rich, then Mike.

_Oh, I’m so damn proud of you, Jay. You’d never fall for that... admittedly quite sexy… cosplaying skank._

_Just two more fanboys to go._

The two nerdy gentlemen in front of you get their autograph without much fanfare and move down.

Finally, you reach him. Firmly seated on his shitty folding chair with a face full of apathy, is Mr. Jay Bauman. You pull your well-loved copy of _Space Cop_ out of your con bag and pass it nervously to him. Jay grabs your BluRay and looks up at you.

_Oh my god, he’s looking at me._

His eyes are more beautiful than you imagined. So much more complex in color and expressive. Small wrinkles appear along their edges as he smiles at you over your copy of _Space Cop_. You find yourself completely lost when he speaks.

“Oh wow, I think you’re one of like, twelve people to buy this legally.”

_Now he’s talking to you!!! Say something, you weirdo!_

“Yeah!" you respond a little too loudly. You check your volume and continue on. "Of course I did! I love your show, and I wanted to see if you took any of your own advice on film while making your own movie.”

“Well, I know it’s not the best, but we definitely tried. Plus, we mostly made it for us, so we don’t really care if it’s shitty,” Jay responds.

“It’s totally not, though. Len Kabasinski wishes his shit movies were _Space Cop_ ," you smile. "I loved your interview scene in it with Mike. That lighting really made your muscles pop.”

_Oh you daffy bitch. Why did you call him out on having amazing arms? This was not the plan!!!_

Jay looks down and grins shyly but he doesn’t seem too taken aback by your comment. 

“Oh. Well thanks for noticing. I did a Chris-Pratt-level of physical training before we started shooting. Twelve weeks of no carbs, seventeen steamed chicken breasts a day with tons of cardio. It’s about time someone noticed,” Jay replies jokingly.

“Yeah, I definitely noticed. Not to say you weren’t cute before, though. I loved your creepy blank stare in the Prometheus review. But then, yeah, you got super fucking hot.”

_Good fucking God, you bitch. Could you come across thirstier for this dude’s dick?_

But he's laughing. One of those full-throated Jay laughs like he does when Mike says something ridiculous in their reviews. Jay tucks his face into his chest as he tries to stifle the laugh. The sound radiates across your entire body, making you blush. From your angle, you can see down the front of his shirt to a small patch of chest hair. Your mouth starts to water.  

“Okay, wow. Well, that’s the first I’ve heard it put that way in person” Jay replies. “It took a while, but I’m pretty happy with where I wound up.”

“Me too.”

_God, you’re an idiot._

You try to cover.

“I mean, I think you’re ama… that IT’S amazing. You must have worked really hard. Not many nerd guys take the time to start working out. I mean great personality and a fun sense of humor will only get you so far sex-appeal wise, am I right?” You gesture your head over to Mike and Rich. Both men look quizzically at you and Jay, perhaps wondering what the holdup is.

Jay’s shoulders shake as he tucks his face into his chest and laughs quietly.

_Oh my sweet Christ, you made him laugh. TWICE! If this is all that comes from your interaction, you might die a happy woman._

Three mouth-breathers behind you start to voice their impatience through awkward grunts. You want this interaction with Jay to last as long as possible, but what to say?

“I was really glad to see that you would be here. I’m actually surprised; I thought you hated going to cons.”

“Oh, no, I totally hate going to these things when I'm at a table like this, but I actually enjoy a good horror convention. The guys thought it would be good to expand our presence a bit more. Plus, we’re hoping to get a more engaged, less weird fan base,” Jay explains.

“Well I’m really glad you’re here. I’ve always really wanted to meet you.” Your smile went from ear to ear looking at this beautiful dork.

_Are you drooling?_

You quickly remember that humans should breathe: “Oh, and yeah, Mike and Rich, too. They’re really great. And Jack. Really.”

_Damn it, you said “Really” like a thousand times already. Why did this taught nerd turn you into a blubbering mess?_

“Well it’s been _really_ nice to meet you, too,” he responds kindly.

_This man misses nothing._

You can see Jay’s eyes, beautiful and deep green, still crinkled from his wide smile, run down from your face down to your chest. He starts focus on your shirt. Your breath hitches in your chest as you see a look of recognition form across his sharp features. 

“Oh wow, that’s one of my favorite movies!” Jay positively beams.

_Yes, you delicious fly, step into my web._

“Mine, too!" You respond quickly. "In college, I actually tried to name my movie trivia team the Pork Chop Express, but no one knew what it was referencing.”

“Are you shitting me? It’s the name of Jack Burton’s truck! No one got that?” Jay looks positively disgusted.

“I know, right? I should have gone with Egg-Foo-Young Tours, I guess.”

“Also amazing, but I don’t think that would help much.” He smiles and you melt. He takes a short pause and you absolutely liquefy inside; knowing that he’s taken nearly two minutes to talk with you. You stare intently at his perfect hair and swear you can smell his cologne.

“Maybe Egg Shen and the Black Bloods of the Earth?” he suggests.

Your face feels hot and you hope that you’re not turning bright red from blushing.

“Thanks,” you answer. “I’ll try that next time I form a college-aged movie trivia team.”

Now the rowdy nerds behind you don’t even try to hide their impatience. You flinch a bit when they clear their throats. Mike and Jay have been sitting by themselves waiting to sign Red Letter Media posters or random copies of Nukie for the last 2 minutes. You try to shake yourself out of your Jay-induced euphoria. The bastards again clear their throats. 

_Goddamn neck-bearded assholes! Do NOT fuck this up for me!_

Jay glances over at the group behind you with an annoyed look. He brings his attention back to you and smiles warmly. 

"Oh, shit, sorry! You probably came here for an autograph, right?" Jay adds.

"Yeah, that would be amazing, thank you."

_Also, I'd love to know what you taste like._

_Eaaasy now. Keeeeep it together, bitch._

You tell Jay who to make the signature out to and he writes your name at the top of the BluRay case. You hope he writes "Love, Jay," or "XOXO, Jay," but it's just "Jay."

_Give it time._

“Well, thank you, Jay. It was so nice to finally meet you in person. I should probably scoot down.”

“Yeah, it was nice, uh… yeah. Yeah, nice to meet you, too.”

Jay stands up to shake your hand.

You reach out your right hand to take his and wonder if you will explode. 

_Did you see him touch anyone else in line before you? No, right?_

The second his hand touches yours, your heart skips. Those neck-beards can go right ahead and fuck themselves.

_Oh my god, I’m touching him. Or he’s touching me. No, he’s touching me! How long do I hold his hand? Is it weird? How long can I draw this out before…_

And then the goddamn sons of bitches behind you cut in and try to draw his attention away. You make a mental note to try and murder them later. 

You give Jay an apologetic look and let go of his hand.  The nerd jerks force you to move down to Rich Evans. You shake your head a bit and try to refocus. The neck-beards mumble "FINALLY!" as they replace your spot in front of Jay.

Two steps down sits a somewhat miserable Rich Evans. You try to remember you’re a fan of everyone at Red Letter Media… even The Wizard… so you attempt a smile for Rich.

“Hi, Rich!” You've always loved Rich and his amazing laugh, but your enthusiasm now isn’t quite convincing.

Rich tries to be cordial, even though he recognizes you are staring intently at Jay. Rich looks to Jay, then back to you, and sighs. 

“You know, for what it’s worth, he’s single right now,” Rich explains.

“What? Oh! Yeah. Sure. Jay. Yeah, he’s great. Totally. But I love you and Mike, too.”

You know you’re blushing like an idiot now, but maybe you can pass it off as a hot convention floor. Rich, though often the butt of so many jokes, seems much smarter than he lets on.

“Yep, yep. I’m sure you love the show. Anyways, the guy’s available.”

You try to focus your attention back to the other members of Red Letter Media. They're amazing and you're probably being rude. 

“Oh, well. No. I really like your videos. You've got some amazing one-liners. And you had awesome insights into the character of Spiderman in the comics…” But then you see Jay look back at you while he's dealing with the group of neck-beards behind you.

_Nothing else in the world matters besides the fact that Jay Bauman is choosing to look at you right now._

Rich sighs quietly and says, “Okaaaaaay. Well if you want to talk with him later about shitty movies or whatever, I’m sure he’d like that.”

Your stomach leaps up into your chest. You try not to jump out of your skin in excitement at the possibility of talking to Jay again.

“Yeah. That would be… yeah. No, totally. Um… So there is a dance tonight. It’s just put on in a smaller hall here, but it’s supposed to be pretty cool.”

You grab a receipt from your pocket and use Rich’s signature pen to scribble down 10 digits as legibly as possible.

“Here’s my phone number. You can tell Jay I’d love to see him there. Or you there. I mean, you all can go. Like I’d like it if you all came. Totally. I’m just saying that I’ll be there and if him or you all want to go that would be amazing.”

_Smooth. Real smooth._

Rich looks up at you with a knowing smile and shrugs his shoulders. He seems like he’s used to women throwing themselves at his handsome friend.

He still manages to look encouraging as he answers, “Um, maybe. Yeah, I’ll tell the guys.”

_My god, is Rich actually embarrassed FOR you? Rich fucking Evans thinks YOU’RE awkward?_

You nod your head absent-mindedly and shuffle over to Mike, someone you’ve always idolized and deeply respected for his perspective on film. Even though a huge portion of yourself wants to thank Mike for literally changing the face of YouTube-based entertainment and almost single-handedly creating the entire genre of video essay examinations of film, you can’t help but be distracted. You try to be engaged as you speak with Mike, but you find yourself again looking past him and Rich to the object of your affection.

Mike probably says something to you as you’re in front of him. Maybe. Who knows? Probably something about Star Trek. All you are concerned about is the box-blonde bitch dressed as Princess Peach trying to get her shit all over your Jay Bauman. You see her honest-to-god reach over the table to try to plant a kiss on him. 

Your blood boils.

Seeing this advance, Jay leans back in his chair and tries to avoid being touched. Both of his hands go up to shield his face from her attempts at a kiss. He still smiles at Peach, but you can tell he’s not comfortable.

_Keep your **damn hands** off of him. _

After Jay has pawed off the advances of the princess, you see him look back at you. You smile brightly and raise your hand to him to wave goodbye. Your body tells you to give him the double finger guns, but you fight it off.

_Please come see me tonight, you beautiful bastard._

It takes every fiber of your being to leave the line. Maybe you got Mike and Rich’s signatures. Probably, right? All you can do as you exit the line is look back longingly as you see Jay scanning the crowd.

_Is he looking for me?_

You pocket the possibility and keep hope alive as you walk through the rest of the convention vendors; walking on sunshine.

_SHIT! Where’s my copy of Space Cop?!?!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will you see Jay again? Will you find your goddamn copy of Space Cop? Stay tuned!
> 
> Here's a gif of what I pictured Jay looking like after being told he's hot.  
> 
> 
>    
> References:  
> •Three Wolf Moon shirts are a staple of geek culture and they really pull in the pussy: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Wolf_Moon](url)  
> •Daenerys Targaryen is played by terrible actress Emilia Clark on _Game of Thrones_.  
> •The song _Dream Weaver_ plays in _Wayne's World_ when Wayne falls in love at first sight.  
> • _Space Cop_ is Red Letter Media's 2016 film starring Rich as Space Cop. It's delightful. Jay looks amazing in it. Buy it.  
> •Len Kabasinski is the founder and creative mind behind Killer Wolf Films ( _Curse of the Wolf, Angel of Reckoning_ , etc.) Monumentally awful, super entertaining.  
> •Jack Burton is the name of Kurt Russel's character in _Big Trouble in Little China_. Again, watch this movie.  
> •Star Trek is amazing and I don't care how much I'd like to bang Jay Bauman, I'd definitely take Mike up on a Star Trek conversation. This is clearly a work of fiction.  
> •"Keep your damn hands off..." is a reference to what George McFly says to Biff before he knocks him out in _Back to the Future_. Amazing narrative consistency across those movies, by the way.  
> •Princess Peach is the girlfriend of Mario from Nintendo. In my story, she's got gonorrhea. Good looking out, fictional Jay!


	3. Walking on Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick chapter before your evening begins.

You reach down into your convention bag to see your copy of _Space Cop_ , signed by Jay, Rich, and Mike.

_Oh thank god!_

You float through the rest of the convention hall scoping absent-mindedly at merch tables and booths. Maybe an _Elder Scrolls_ pint glass set to share a drink with Jay. Or an Arkham Asylum-branded pair of bat-shaped handcuffs to use on Jay.

_God, get your head on straight!_

_You know what, me? Fuck you. I got to meet and actually touch Jay Bauman today and I might even get to see him tonight, so I think I have a good reason to smile like a jackass for a few hours, thank you very much._

_Oh, shit! You’re totally right, Me. I forgot you got to meet Jay. Sorry! Go on!_

After arriving at a happy understanding with yourself, you scope the rest of the vendor floor and head back to your hotel room. Thoughts of your interaction with Jay are swimming through your mind. You start to wonder if Rich is actually going to be cool enough to pass on your message to him. Damn! Maybe you should have told Jay yourself.

You set down your con bag and reverently wrap your left hand around your right remembering how his skin felt against yours. You start to replay your interaction with Jay in your mind; the sight of his perfect fucking arms barely contained by the sleeves of his black T-shirt, his smile as he greeted you, his incredible eyes staring into your soul, his heart-warming laugh, that goddamn-near-pornographic beard, his pink tongue running out to wet his lips.

_Oh good god those lips._

You imagine how those lips would taste like on yours; wonder how scratchy his beard world feel nuzzled into your neck. How his strong hands would feel as they dug into your hips while you rode him into oblivion. How perfect his callused fingers would feel running over your clit. You take the fingers of your right hand up to your mouth and caress your bottom lip. You can feel the pressure building up below your waist and shift your thighs to enjoy a bit of friction.

Day dreaming about Jay has got you warm and you wonder if you have enough time to take care of yourself a few times before heading out for the night. You hop on your hotel bed and start running your right hand (perhaps now known forever as your 'Jay' hand) across your stomach and up your shirt. Just as your fingers reach up under your bra, you hear a text alert.

_Goddamn it. Let them wait._

You’ve got a crystal clear image at the front of your mind of Jay’s mouth wrapped around your nipple and you’re not about to let some…

_Christ, another fucking alert?!_

You whip your hand down from your breast and reach over to the nightstand as a _third_ alert sounds.

“This better be fucking important.”

You try to focus on your incoming message screen and see a number you don’t recognize.

_Where the hell is a 414 area code from?_

**-Hey. I got your invite. -**

**-I’m wrapping up a dinner meeting right now, but I could meet you there. -**

**-If you’re still free.-**

You stare confusedly at the texts.

**-This is Jay, by the way.-**

And that’s it; that’s the very moment you died. Because you were sure you were in heaven and that’s the only way people get there, right? You jump on top of your hotel bed and scream like an spastic toddler on a sugar rush.

After 3 solid minutes of “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” you seem to have come back to some semblance of rational thinking.

_Oh shit! You didn’t respond yet!_

You compose yourself enough to start typing. Your hands shake as you type out your message:

**-Hi, Jay. That sounds great! I’m glad you can make it. I’d really like to fuck you raw …. -**

_True, true, but a bit bold._

You punch the delete key until you’re left with a simpler, less sex-fueled text.

**-Hi, Jay. That sounds great! I’m glad you can make it.-**

**-I’ll see you there.-**

_He’s going to be there! Oh my god. Should I change into something sexier?_

Again, you’re reminded that you really don’t own anything that most people would deem as overtly “sexy.” Plus, you don’t want to seem like you’re trying too hard; he’s not into that. Slutty Princess Peach proved that fact. So you keep your _Big Trouble in Little China_ shirt on, reasoning that you look damn good in it and it will help him recognize you. You put on a thin flannel long sleeve shirt to keep warm without hiding your figure.

Still, you want to sex it up a bit. You skip into the bathroom smiling so wide it hurts and reach into your makeup bag. You grab your favorite shade of red lipstick and a black eyeliner pencil. Pulling out your phone, you take a second to marvel again at the words Jay sent. 

_"... in a dinner meeting.." Does that mean he typed these texts under the table during a meeting?  So was he thinking of me instead of paying attention?! How very naughty of you, Bauman._

You give yourself the best smoky eye you can muster and coat your lips in an intense shade of crimson. After you blot off the excess red on a bit of tissue paper, you blow a kiss to the mirror and take in a full view of your hard work.

_Oh, you poor boy. You have no idea what’s in store for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  
> 
>  
> 
> References: 
> 
> • _Walking on Sunshine_ is a song by Katrina and the Waves. It's featured heavily in film and television. Honestly, it's in everything. I remember it most fondly from _High Fidelity_ and _Futurama_.  
> • Elder Scrolls is a series of fantasy video games that includes _Oblivion_ and _Skyrim_.  
> • _Arkham Asylum_ is an awesome Batman video game. The name Arkham is taken from the writings of HP Lovecraft, a notorious racist and prolific author famous primarily for his eldritch horror style (like _Call of Cthulhu)_.  
> • Masturbation is normal, healthy, and fun.  
> • Don't text and drive.


	4. Let's Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the convention dance. Will Jay show? Will you be able to hear a word he says over the Hackers soundtrack? Let's find out!

The pounding beat of the dance music pours through the walls outside the small event hall. There are a few loose gatherings of people scattered around near the entrance. You take a closer look at what everyone is wearing, hoping that your thin T-shirt and jeans don’t make you look too out of place. Some of the more ample-breasted women out front are in latex-based dresses or leather corsets.

_Shit. I guess it’s S &M Prom. _

You show your ID to the Viking-looking fellow at the door and step in to the event hall. Apparently, the dance is put on by a couple of dedicated nerds who are known in the local nerd community primarily for their obsession with soundtracks and techno. Some of the songs are a bit too obscure for you to recognize, but they’ve been playing excerpts from _Blade_ and DeadMau5, even some gems from _Pretty in Pink_ , so it’s all good with you. You wonder if Jay will be okay with this much nostalgia and bass-dropping. 

You sneak a couple of pulls from the flask of whiskey hidden in your purse; just to keep your nerves down. But as _Orbital_ from the _Hackers_ soundtrack starts to ramp up, you feel a bit parched. You head up to the bartender and wait to be served. You notice that three stacked cosplayers get served before you, but you take it in stride. You might not usually use your tits to get free drinks, but these girls seem to get some great service. You take off your red flannel shirt, tie it around your waist, and stick your chest out just a bit to test the waters.

Sure enough, 5 seconds later you get the attention of a bar keep. You order your favorite cocktail and practice looking nonchalant in case Jay shows up. 

_Might be hanging out with Jay tonight. No big deal. Yep. I’m sure I won’t orgasm the second he touches me again. Totally not even possible. Just being cool, relaxed, no big deal…_

The bartender gives you a small wink and heads over to the liquor bottles behind the bar when you feel a hand lightly tapping your arm.

You glance back over your shoulder to see Jay looking expectantly at you. His eyebrows perk up brightly as he smiles and opens his mouth to speak. Without thinking, you reach back and give him an excited hug with the right side of your body. You can feel the muscles in his arms tense under the fabric of his black canvas jacket. 

“Jay! Oh my god, It’s great to see you!” You hold on to his shoulder as long as you can.

“Yeah. Rich said that you would… He said that I.. that WE.. should come.”

You tug him closer; just so he’ll be sure of what you were saying over the loud music.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” you say loudly into his ear. You feel him reach out to touch the small of your back as he nods in agreement.

_He smells fucking amazing._

The music thumps on loudly as you pull yourself away from him. You glance at his face, panning quickly from his beautiful hazel eyes down to try and read his lips.

“Yeah, it’s a little loud though,” Jay smiles. “Do you have any good beer in this state?”

You shake yourself out of the stupor you're in from staring so intently at his perfect mouth to register his words.

“Oh, shit, yeah! Let me get you a beer.”

You get the attention of the bartender and ask him for a bottle from one of the most popular breweries in the area. The man nods in agreement and grabs a bottle out of the fridge. You put a twenty on the bar, hoping the heavy tip will get you good service all night. You yell your thanks to the bartender and take your cocktail glass and bottle of beer. By the time you spin around to offer Jay his drink, he’s already shoved both hands in the front pockets of his dark jacket.

You pass the beer to him as casually as possible and wait to see his reaction. He quickly pulls a hand out of his pocket to grab the bottle. Before he gets the beer to his mouth, you hold your cocktail up to him for a cheers.

“To good friends and good film” you suggest as you lean closer to him.

You clink your glasses together and nod in agreement. You take a healthy sip from your cocktail as Jay takes one short drink from his bottle and spends a second to appreciate the new taste. He looks mildly impressed. 

“Oh damn, this is pretty good.”

“Yeah, it’s no Spotted Cow,” you reply. “But we can’t get that here.”

You signal to him that you both should leave the busy bar area and head to another section of the dance hall. Thankfully, there’s a small cocktail table not too far away. You both walk to the table and set your drink down. You try not to look too excited about the fact that you are casually hanging out with the guy you’ve been fantasizing about for the last few years.

“I’m glad you like the beer. It’s one of my favorites,” you say as an attempt to break the tension.

“Yeah, it’s great,” Jay responds kindly.

You start up an easy conversation, speaking loudly over tracks from _The Matrix, Underworld_ , and _Neon Demon_. Jay bounces his head absentmindedly to the beat of a Daft Punk song. It's so cute you think your heart might explode. 

He talks about David Lynch, you counter with Jean-Pierre Jeunet. He mentions the decline of the _Alien_ films, you gush about _Mad Max: Fury Road_. An hour goes by in what feels like 5 minutes. His knowledge of film isn't a surprise to you, but it's still incredibly impressive. And let's be honest, incredibly sexy. 

Your cocktail is down to a single piece of ice now, but you don't want to step away from your conversation to buy another drink. You pull out your flask of Jameson and take a decent sip. Jay looks intrigued so you pass the small bottle over to him; getting close enough to shield him from the prying eyes of the bartender. It feels like something you'd do with a close friend, not some guy you've only just met. 

He takes a drink and gives you an impressed look before taking a larger draw. Almost immediately, he starts to choke on the whiskey. Jay covers his face as he laughs through his coughing. You take the flask back and try not to be too flustered when his fingers graze yours. Jay’s still fighting a small whiskey cough when you smirk at him.

“Nice work, Bauman,” you tease.

_Don’t try to embarrass him. He was nice enough to come here for you!_

You try to switch his focus.

“Oh hey! Have you ever watched _Blade 2_ with commentary?” you ask hopefully. Jay’s cough slowly subsides.

“Fuck yeah. I think his commentary track is some of the best work Guillermo Del Toro has ever done,” Jay deadpans. His beer bottle, never too far from his mouth, is tipped back for another drink.

“I don’t know,” you answer. “I hear he’s directing Thriller-style rap video for Corey Feldman.”

He does an honest-to-god spit takes a bit before pulling the sleeve of his jacket up to soak up the beer from his mouth. You both laugh loudly as Jay takes some time to recover.

“I’d pay fucking anything to watch that,” Jay finally replies, gesturing with his beer. You clink your empty cocktail glass to his bottle and hope this moment lasts. You find yourself unable to think of what to say now.

 _“I want you inside me?_ ” Your brain suggests.

_Fuck you, brain. Be cool._

“Do you want another drink?” Jay asks eagerly.

“Ya, I’d love one! Thank you.”

You reach into your pocket to grab some cash and Jay grabs your arm gently. He leans in closer to your face.

“Don’t worry. I got this one.”

Jay heads over to the bar, awkwardly returning several enthusiastic waves from adoring fans. Someone at the front of the bar shakes his hand and lets him cut in line. Jay leans over the counter to order drinks for you both and reaches for his wallet. The bartender waves dismissively over the bar and insists Jay doesn’t need to pay. He grabs both drinks, thanks the man, and heads back your way.

You try not to drool as you watch him walking towards you. His military-style jacket fits him perfectly, each zipper and pocket complimenting his slim form. There's a neon green button on the breast, but you can't quite make out the writing. The canvas jacket is mostly covering his chest, but you can see enough to know it's his _Mystics of Bali_ T-shirt. His dark jeans are tattered at the feet from scuffing along the floor under his shoes. 

_He’s beautiful._

He stands in front of you with open arms; beer in one hand and cocktail in the other. The beer is another bottle of the type you bought for him earlier. You feel a swell of pride knowing he honestly enjoyed it enough to get one for himself. 

He holds the cocktail out to you and you blink at the ice-filled glass quizzically. It just occurred to you that you never told him what you were drinking. You edge in closer for him to hear you.

“How did you know what I wanted?”

His eyes are dark in the low lighting of the room. His hair, always so perfect, glints when the dance floor strobes start to flicker. You can see a small grin cross face when he looks back to you. He leans forward slightly.

“I honestly had no clue what you were drinking. I just wanted to look like I know what the hell I’m doing, so I got you the first cocktail I could think of.”

Jay’s smile grows wider as throws his hands up and shrugs.

“That’s pretty fucking suave,” you reply. “Plus, you didn’t have to pay for it. That’s awesome.”

“Yeah, it’s super nice when that happens. So if you need another drink, I can go whore it up for the bartender again,” Jay motions to the bar with his beer bottle. He hands you the cocktail and takes a deep swig of his new beer. 

You take a modest taste of your cocktail and know instantly that it’s a stiff screwdriver. Vodka drinks are notoriously girly, but a screwdriver is perhaps the least insultingly feminine vodka-based cocktail. A very nice, approachable, and delicious drink.

_Clever boy._

“Goddamn, this is cold,” you motion to your glass. Jay’s eyebrows perk up in recognition.

“It’ll warm up once you’re in it,” Jay quickly responds.

_He picked up on the Ed Wood reference? Jesus Christ, can I just propose now?_

You can’t help but smile widely at him. You spend the next few minutes drinking and trying to figure out just exactly why M.Night Shyamalan gets to keep making movies. Just when you start to curse yourself for not being able to form another sentence, Talking Heads' _Once in a Lifetime_ starts up on the dance floor. Your face lights up.

“Oh my god, I love this song!” you scream.

You reach out and touch Jay’s forearm.

“Would you dance with me?” you ask hopefully.

Jay smiles widely and throws up his hands in an exaggerated shrug. “Um, sure. Yeah.”

_Thank God for booze!_

You put out your hand and wait for his. He puts his hand in yours and the feel of his skin makes your mind short circuit.

As you start to pull Jay out onto the dance floor, you look back to see him take another few gulps from his beer and sit the bottle on a random cocktail table top along the way. He wipes the sleeve of his jacket across his mustache and beard with his left hand as he holds on to you with his right. You feel his fingers slip between yours.

Once you find an open spot on the dance floor, you turn back to Jay and give him an encouraging smile. You start to dance unabashedly, keeping close to Jay as you move and jump with the music; your head swaying in time to the beat. You shamelessly sing along to David Byrne with your eyes closed; reveling in the experience.

 _Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down_  
_Letting the days go by, water flowing underground_  
_Into the blue again after the money's gone_  
_Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground_

When you open your eyes, you see Jay also singing along. He doesn’t seem to give a shit about looking cool. His arms pump up above his head as he dances with you and you try to hide your surprise.

You make eye contact at the perfect moment, both loudly singing “Same as it ever was.” Jay's love for the song is as obvious as it is adorable. Both of you try out dance moves from some of your favorite 80's teen movies; Kevin Bacon's angry dance from _Footloose_ , Val Kilmer's shimmy in _Top Secret_. Even the some moves from the sexy saxophone guy in _The Lost Boys_. You continue dancing, laughing, and singing together until the end of song. 

There’s a brief moment of silence as the song wraps. You look over to Jay and see a glint of sweat on his forehead flashing a reflection of the dance floor lights. He looks a bit out of breath. You start to panic; maybe this incredible moment is over.

Just then, the DJ puts on a slow song from the one of the best action movies of all time. Flashes of Keanu Reeves stalking Theon Greyjoy through a Russian bath house race into your mind. The song is airy and melodic. You reach out to Jay, gently running your hand from his upper arm to touch the side of his neck. You hope he's getting the message that you want to keep dancing with him. He tucks his head down into his chest a bit, stifling a nervous chuckle. Jay looks back up at you shyly and cocks an eyebrow in consideration.

_This man might be the death of me._

You keep your hand held to his neck and savor the feel of his beard under your thumb. You drape your other hand over his shoulder. He keeps his body at a respectable distance, holding you gently by the hip as you both sway to the music. You lean into the crook of his neck under the guise of making sure he can hear you over the loud music.

“I love this movie. So simple and so beautiful,” you offer directly into his ear.

The man doesn’t miss a beat. He knows this song and exactly where it comes from. You feel his body move closer to yours as he bends down to your neck.

“Yeah. Who knew Keanu Reeves’ stunt double would make a movie like that?”

You can barely hear Jay over the blaring stereo system, even though the music is still light and ethereal.

 _Think of me, I'll never break your heart_  
_Think of me, you're always in the dark_  
_I am your light, your light, your light_  
_Think of me, you're never in the dark_

The feel of his body moving with yours is making your head swim. Your mouth starts to run of its own accord:

“You know, Daniel Bernhardt is in that movie. He was the poor-man’s Jean Claude Van Damme in _Future War_.”

Panic sets in.

_Daniel Fucking Bernhardt in Future Fucking Force?!? What the shit did you bring that up for?!?_

Jay pulls away and looks taken back. His eyes squint in confusion as he laughs with his whole body.

“What!?”

His shoulders bounce as he shakes his head; smiling from ear to ear.

You roll your eyes and return his questioning look with a smile. You pull him closer to clarify.

You run your hand back up the side of his collar and feel the sweat building along the nape of his neck. You pull his head gently towards you and turn his ear to your mouth. Your lips are so close to him. You wonder what he’d do if you nibbled him a bit. Probably call the cops. You try to shake the thought. 

“Daniel Bernhardt was in _John Wick_ and _Future War_ …” you reply; mustering your confidence. You feel his sweat gathering on your fingers as they run through the wet hair of his neck. You pull him even closer.

“...the _Terminator_ rip-off with the puppet dinosaurs and Robert Z’Dar.”

Your lips accidentally-on-purpose graze his earlobe. You lose all rational thought as your lips feel the heat radiating off of his skin and smell his cologne. Or is it deodorant? Who fucking cares; its amazing. The feel of his strong arms around you and the smell of his sweat floods your senses. You're positively drunk off of him. Without a thought, you bow your head into the crook of his neck and take a gentle bite of his ear. You feel his body go stiff as a board against you.

_FUCK!_

Instant regret floods your mind like icewater. Your entire body tenses. 

_Oh fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! I shouldn’t have done that! FUCK!_

He's totally still. 

_Shit! What the FUCK were you thinking?! FUCK!_

You feel Jay move his hands away from your hips and you curse yourself for letting your stupid, horny body run on autopilot. 

Your panic threatens to take over when Jay finally exhales and returns his hands to your hips, his grip twice as strong as it was before. His fingers dig deeply into the skin just above your ass as his thumbs press into your pelvis.

Your body feels like it’s on fire as Jay pulls you closer. He starts to move with the music again against you. Your heart finally starts to beat again as you sway in time to the melody. The butterflies in your stomach threaten to burst through your mouth. 

_Hey! He didn't call the cops! Maybe I can..._

But the slow song ends before you have time to plan out just what that "maybe" might be. The music shifts quickly to another song on the John Wick soundtrack. The intense base seems to make the walls of the dance hall shake. The image of Keanu head-shoting Russian mafia thugs in a fitted suit fades from your mind as the merciless beat reverberates through your body. Jay's tight grip around your waist doesn't falter.

You pull away from Jay long enough to see his eyes, half-lidded and focused on your bottom lip. Your breasts press against his chest and you’re entranced by the sight of him wetting his lips just inches from yours. Your heartbeat thrums in your ears as you slide your leg between his knees. You wrap your arms around his shoulders as you feel his strong arms curl around your waist and down to your hips.

You tilt your head to the side; gasping as you feel his face nuzzle under your chin. Over the intense music, you can sense him inhaling. His hands start to roam from your hips up and down your back. You begin to rifle through his hair, scratching his scalp while he grinds into you on the dance floor. You start to wonder if he can feel how wet you’re getting through your tight jeans as you ride against his thigh when...

_Holy fucking shit! Is that his fucking cock?!_

Your mind barely registers the question before he sinks his teeth into your neck just below your ear.

Every sound fades to nothing. Every thought is gone. The scores of drunk Jedis, Batgirls, and every iteration of Dr. Who cosplayers dancing near you evaporate. All you can feel is the force of his teeth on your skin and the pressure of his gentle sucking on your neck.

You crook your head further away to grant him better access to your skin. His sharp nose edges up the side of your neck as he breathes you in. You feel him plant a small kiss on your jawline, then another low on your cheek before he pulls his face away from yours.

You look into his eyes as the laser light of the dance hall flashes across his face. He’s flushed and sweaty and so absolutely fucking perfect. You take your hand away from the back of his head and move your thumb to run across the patch of beard under his bottom lip.

_I'm done for._

You cup his face in your hand and pull it to yours. Your eyes close softly and your body stills as you press your lips to his. You feel the muscle in Jay’s arms flex as he hugs your lower back closer to him. His lips are chapped and he tastes like beer and sweat with a pinch of Jameson whiskey. It’s the sexiest fucking taste in the world.

His mustache tickles your nose when he deepens the kiss. You open your mouth as he eases his tongue past your lips. Your hand caresses the side of his face and you feel his jaw move intently while he devours you whole. You want to feel more of him; all of him.

Without breaking the kiss, you palm down the front of his shirt across his chest. Your hands continue down his rib cage and then make their way under his shirt near his belt. He bites your lower lip as you finally feel the bare flesh above his hip.

That's when you notice that the music stopped.

You pull away from his mouth with a wet pop.

“Oh, shit!” you say in unison; backing away from each other. You both smile and laugh slightly as he perks up his eyebrow. He struggles adorably trying to figure out what do do with his arms. You see his bottom lip red and swollen under his mustache. 

“Maybe we should get off of dance floor?” he suggests.

He watches you lick the taste of him off of your lips as you consider his words.

“Yeah. Sure. You lead the way.”

Jay backs away and reaches down to your hand. Another fast techno song you don't recognize begins to blare as he leads you through a group of dancers and back towards your table.

_Wait? Is this the way to the table?_

Jay slips his fingers through yours again and pulls you to the exit. He ignores no less than three fanboys waving enthusiastically at him and pushes the door open. Giggling like a schoolgirl, you rush hand in hand with Jay past the scattered groups of goths still waiting outside the event hall. He finally slows down after you turn a corner near the elevator. Jay looks back at you apologetically.

“Hey, I’m sorry that got a little out of hand,” he offers. You grab him by the collar of his jacket and pull his lips back to yours. You pull away for just a moment.

“I’m not.” 

His pupils are blown so wide they look almost black. 

“Ya, fuck it. Me neither,” he replies before taking your face in his hand and kissing you passionately. Your teeth click together twice before you find the perfect rhythm.  Your tongue rolls over his as he cups your jawline. He draws your bottom lip into his mouth and bites down just hard enough for you to whimper wantonly. 

You feel him reach down your body and wrap around your back; fingers bruising into your rib cage. You arch away from the wall to give his arms more room. He pins you to the wall with his leg in between yours.

_Goddamn, that IS his cock._

Jay kisses the side of your mouth, down your neck and settles on your collarbone all while grinding his thigh into your heat. The pressure on your clit is fucking amazing. You know you could cum from just this.

Your hands reach up to drag your fingernails through his hair as he grabs on to your ass. He bites down hard and you moan loudly into his ear.

Between breathless pants, you finally manage a single word:

“Room?”

Jay grunts affirmatively against your skin. He pulls his face away to try to speak and you take the opportunity to lave his neck with deep kisses. His groaning reverberates through his chest and into yours.

“Yeah? No, totally. Um… shit. Wait, it’s on the third floor I think…”

You take his earlobe into your mouth and bite. You hear him growl and move his leg into you forcefully.

“Fuck. No. Goddamn, it’s the fourth floor."

“Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay's wearing this jacket to the dance. Good choice.  
> 
> 
> Links to Music featured in this chapter:
> 
> • _Orbital - Halcyon (On and On)_ gets bumping at 2:30 [https://youtu.be/NBh16Nttu7U?t=150K](url)  
> • One of the best songs of all time: _Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime_ : [https://www.youtube.com/watch?=5IsSpAOD6K8](url)  
> • Russian bathhouse/slow dance song is _Kaleida - Think_ : [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CurN2Fg-2E](url)  
> • Keanu Reeves looking like a badass in the club, then starting a revenge murder spree brought to you by _Le Castle Vania - Red Circle_ (LED Spirals & Shots Fired) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_3sdIEhkNA](url)
> 
>  
> 
> References:  
> • _Let's Dance_ is a great David Bowie song.  
> • DeadMau5s makes terrible music which I very much enjoy.  
> • Spotted Cow is a beer that is often consumed on _Best of the Worst_. It's made by New Glarus Brewing in Wisconsin. It's a fantastic beer. Try it if you get a chance.  
> • Jean Pierre Jeunet is a French director known most widely for _Amelie, City of Lost Children_ , and for some fuckin reason, _Alien Resurrection_. My personal favorite of his is _Delicatessen_.  
> • Jameson is an Irish whiskey. My version of _The Good Place_ would have it run from every tap.  
> • Guillermo Del Toro directed _Blade 2, Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth, and Pacific Rim._ Funny dude.  
> • Corey Feldman is a weirdo child star who has been dressing like Michael Jackson for 20+ years now. He's also a singer. Every facet of this man's life is just fucking bizarre. Google him!  
> • _Ed Wood_ is an amazing movie directed by Tim Burton starring Johnny Depp. Easily the best film either of them have ever made.  
> • Theon Greyjoy is a character from _Game of Thrones_ played by Alfie Allen. The same actor also plays the dude who kills John Wick's dog. Just a real bastard all around.  
> • Robert Z’Dar is one of the most well-known B movie actors, mostly remembered for his fantastic chin.


	5. Buy the Ticket...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't always have to be horizontal, you know.

Jay keeps his hands on your hips and pulls away just far enough to look around for the elevators. He plants one last, determined kiss on your lips and cocks his head in the direction of the elevator. You tug your shirt back into place, hoping you don't look like a hot, horny mess to the guy in the _Zardoz_ costume near the elevator.

Jay hits the call button and you begin the longest 3 minute wait of your life. There’s a small crowd of nerds around you discussing why Rey is just a Mary Sue and Kylo Ren is just an emo version of Darth Vader and it takes every fiber of your being not to tell them to go jump up their own asses.

Jay doesn't pay one bit of attention to any of them, not even the pretty Twi’lek girl giving him the sex eyes. You can see the indicator above the elevator doors showing the elevator is in the basement.

_Goddamn it._

After approximately seventeen hours, the elevator moves up to the next floor. Jay takes your hand without looking away from the LED sign above the elevator doors. When the lift finally comes, he leads the way in and punches 4 before taking you to the very back of the small box.

There is a waist-length mirror at the back of the elevator reflecting the happy image of you; cheeks flushed, lipstick smudged, but eye makeup still flawless.

 _Nice_.

You look over to Jay’s reflection and see what is very clearly your red lipstick smeared across his mouth and down his neck. Instinctual pride soars in your heart; you’ve marked him as yours. Jay notices you smiling into the mirror and finally sees his own reflection.

Jay’s eyes pop open wide and he shoots his hand up to his mouth as he tries to cover his shock. His hair is poking out in several directions, his lips have been bitten and sucked to a bright red, and the welts from four separate bite marks are starting to swell on his neck. He looks utterly destroyed and you’re only getting started. He laughs bashfully as he tries to wipe off the most obvious swaths of lipstick stains.

_Good luck, Bauman. That shit ain’t coming off without some soap and water._

The doors finally open to the fourth floor. Jay grabs your hand and parts the crowd in front of him with small apologies; “Oops...‘scuse me... Just gonna get out here...”

_So very Midwest of him._

You walk out into a small lobby area on the fourth floor as Jay tries to remember which hallway leads to his room. The look of desperate confusion on his face is so fucking adorable that you can’t help but squeeze his hand encouragingly. He finally reaches into his wallet to find his room key. He finds his room card and nearly jumps.

“405!” he declares triumphantly.

You make a sharp left and head down the hallway. You come to a quick stop in front of the third door on the right. As he fiddles with the room key in the electronic lock, you take a moment to reflect on your situation.

_This is Jay Bauman. Jay. Fucking. Bauman. Fuck! Does my bra match my underwear? Shit, I don’t think it does. Why don’t you own sexy panties, you crazy, beautiful bitch? He’s going to think …_

All of your worrisome thoughts cut out the second the scanner bleeps green and you hear the loud lock disengage. Jay looks back to you with a mischievous smile. 

You race each other into the room. Jay nearly trips over his black Converse shoes as he slams the door behind you. You feel his entire body press against yours, pinning you to the emergency exit placard behind the door. His mouth is immediately on yours; his tongue probing between your lips. The door handle is digging sharply into your back and you could not give less of a shit.

As he presses his hardening cock into you, you feel his hand reach down to the back of your knee. He picks up your leg and you wrap it tightly around his waist. His body moves firmly against your core and you gasp into his mouth. He moves to kiss near your ear when a thought strikes you:

“So do Robert Z’Dar references usually affect you like this?” you ask near-breathless.

Jay takes his mouth away from your neck and laughs heartily. “Yep. Totally. It's the chin." He peppers soft kisses along your jawline. "Instant hard-on any and _every_ time he’s mentioned.”

You giggle at his joke and at the way his mustache is currently tickling your earlobe.

“But strangely you’re the first to capitalize on it,” Jay adds into the nape of your neck.

“Ooo! Lucky me!”

Jay’s mouth returns to yours and you hum with pleasure. You pull his black canvas jacket down and he shirks it off his shoulders. His right hand roams from your knee wrapped around him back up to your ass against the door. You hear his hand clank against the Do Not Disturb sign hanging on the door handle. He pulls away from your mouth as the realization dawns on him.

“Oh, shit. That’s a actually a good idea,”

He moves his hand from your ass down to grab the sign, and you pout as you're forced to release your leg hold around his waist. Jay opens the door just slightly and quickly hangs it on the outside handle.

“Sorry, I have roommates on this trip,” Jay explains.

At least you think that’s what he said. You're staring too intently at the way his teeth cut into his bottom lip as he smiles. Your eyes pan down to the chest hair visible just above his collar. You think back to earlier this morning when you wondered what that little patch would taste like.

You bend down to press an open - mouthed kiss to him there. It's just as glorious as you'd hope; sweat, skin, and soap blending together perfectly. He pulls your face back up to him.

“Sorry. I’ve just wanted to do that all day,” you explain with an innocent shrug.

“Oh really?” he replies with a coy smile. “Do you want to know what I've wanted to do all day?”

“Sur… “ You're cut off as he reaches down your stomach and over the front of your jeans. He unbuttons your pants just enough to push his hand down into them. You feel him bite down on your neck as he deftly slips two digits into you.

“Holy fuck!” blurts out of your mouth before your able to form a thought.

The palm of his hand presses into your clit as he pumps his fingers into you. You moan loudly and throw your head back with a gasp. Jay’s left hand behind your neck keeps you from banging your head into the door. He bites the lower lip of your open mouth and you start to whimper as you return his kiss.

You reach up to grab the back of his head with both hands. You pull away from his kiss and pull his forehead to yours. He can see the pleasure in your face as you gaze at him; panting desperately each time he delves his rough fingers into you. Your slick soaks through your panties, coating Jay’s hand. The pornographic sounds of your moans and Jay’s wet fingers in your heat make your head swim.

“You look so fucking sexy like this,” Jay says darkly. His eyes are still staring intently into yours; pupils blown impossibly wide. “I want to see you when you cum.”

You feel his palm start to move harder against your clit. He opens you up further with another digit. You gasp at the new intensity. His pace and pressure is merciless; it's almost too much. 

Jay pulls out of you just enough to bring all of his attention to your swolen clit. You start to whine when the pleasure becomes nearly painful. Immediately, he plunges back into your pussy and resumes his skillful work. Tension coils in your belly as Jay starts to curl his fingers into your G-spot.

"Oh god. Fuck, Jay. I'm so close." 

Your body tenses and your fingernails dig into the back of his neck. Your hips grind shamelessly into his hand, wanting more.

His mouth moves from your neck up to your ear; nibbling roughly at your ear lobe. His mouth is so close you can hear every tiny pant that escapes his lips. His breath is hot and wet against your neck. Every determined groan from him brings you closer to the edge.

You beg him to go faster and he obliges in an instant. Your breath hitches as he hits the perfect fucking spot over and over again and you finally come undone. Jay watches your mouth contort in ecstasy as your pussy pulses around his fingers. Your nails claw into his shoulders while you scream loudly. He keeps pressure on your clit through your climax, dragging out your orgasm further. Your body shakes as the intensity runs its course through your body. 

Jay plants a small kiss on your panting mouth as you try to steady your breathing. He pulls his very wet hand out of your pants and wraps both of his arms around you. Your heart is beating out of your chest as he holds you firmly against the door.

“Well THAT was fucking amazing!” You manage to get out before a fit of laughter takes you over.

Jay pulls away from you looking confused and almost hurt.

“What’s funny?” he asks reluctantly.

You feel terrible that he’s taking your laughter the wrong way.

“No! Fuck! Sorry. I'm laughing because you're so fucking amazing. I’ve had a crush on you for like, YEARS! Well, a crush on the "YouTube" version of you. Then I met you and you're even better in person. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to talk to you, let alone have you give me one of the best and most unexpected orgasms in my life!” you explain.

He bites down on his lower lip. You pull his face back up to look in his eyes.

“I’m serious, Jay! I think you're absolutely gorgeous. And funny! And so fucking smart. How the hell did I get here? I’m blown away at the thought of being in your hotel room.”

Jay looks down to the floor shyly.

 _How could a guy who just finger-fucked me into the wall like that still be this bashful_?

You move your hand from his jaw to follow the shape of his ear lobe with your finger tip. 

“Would you let me show you how much I want you?” you whisper into his ear as your other hand snakes down his chest and down to his belt line.

He nods in approval and you reach down to unbutton his jeans. His dick looks painfully hard as it escapes the front of his pants. You reach into his boxers and wrap your fingers along the head of his cock. He winces in shock when you run your index finger softly along his slit, gathering up the small drop of precum there. You pull out of his boxers and bring your finger to your lips as he looks on. You stick out your tongue and lick his cum off of the tip. 

Your eyes close as you appreciate the salty taste of him. You hum appreciatively and put the tip of your finger into your mouth to suck it clean. When you open your eyes again, he looks at you like a man starved. You replace your hand around his cock and lean into his neck.

“You taste so fucking good,” you purr in his ear as you reach down to cup his balls. “Can I please have some more?”

You feel Jay’s body shudder as he exhales deeply. He manages to nod in the affirmative.

You guide him to take your place against the door; your hand softly running up and down his shaft then gently moving lower to graze his most sensitive skin. Your tongue dances against his in a deep kiss. You pull away briefly to grab the bottom of Jay’s shirt. He puts his arms up over his head and you tug the garment up and off; letting it drop to the floor as you finally get a full view of a shirtless Jay Bauman.

His body is slim and strong but not overly-defined with a small patch of chest hair that perfectly matches his beautiful beard. You smile as you recognize the lipstick stains still dotting his collarbones and neck. His chest tapers slightly to a smaller waist with a thin trail of hair leading down into his boxers. His arms are muscular and toned with a clear tan line across his biceps from wearing too many T-shirts out in the Wisconsin summer sun.

He is, in a word, perfect.

You keep your eyes on his body as you run your hands down his shoulders and across his chest, taking care to lace your fingertips through his chest hair. You're in absolute awe. Glancing up, you catch some nervousness in his eyes. You sigh knowingly. 

“I’m not sure how many people you've been with, Jay. But they clearly never worshiped you like you deserve. That's what I plan on doing now, if you’ll let me.”

He perks up an eyebrow at the offer.

“Would it be okay.. if… Could I see you too?” Jay asks as he tugs at the bottom of your favorite shirt. You look down and it finally dawns on you: He’s topless with his pants nearly falling off his hips and you're still fully clothed.

“Oh shit! Yes! Of course. I didn't even realize it was still on!” Jay helps you pull your top over your head. You giggle as he brings his hands around to hold your hips and drops your shirt on the floor of the entryway. “I’ve been a little distracted,” you explain while wrapping your arms around his neck.

“Because of that amazing orgasm you had earlier?” Jay chimes in proudly. 

“What? No. Not at all. I was actually wondering if Gremlins can't get wet, what happens to them when it's humid outside?”

Jay bursts into laughter at the thought. “That’s a great fucking point, sweetheart.” He feigns some consideration and runs his hand over his smiling mouth. “I really don't know. Maybe they’ll cover it in the reboot, " he shrugs. 

_Sweetheart?_

The pet name is enough to make your heart burst. 

“They’d better ret-con that shit, those hack fucks!”

You beam back at him; appreciating just how beautiful he is when he smiles.

His laugh falters as he sees you reach back and unhook your bra; pulling the straps off of your shoulders and letting it fall to the floor. Your chest is on full display to him now.

Jay reaches down to cup your left breast and begins to swirl his thumb around your nipple. He watches your body react to his fingers; the soft skin of your nipple tightening into a stiff peak in his hand. The gentleness of his touch combined with the harshness of his calloused fingers is intoxicating. You start to whine as he pinches down more forcefully on your nipple when you hear a group of loud convention goers pass you in the hallway.

As horny as you are, fucking Jay Bauman against the door might be a little awkward if you're 3 inches away from a parade of passing Bronies. You reach down to still his hand on your breast.

“Hey. Let’s get away from the door, maybe?” He nods absentmindedly in agreement, still focused intently on your bare chest. You reach up to hold his cheek in your hand and he finally looks up to your eyes. You wink at him sweetly and pull him deeper into the room by the band if his boxers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A great NEAR spit take and example of how Jay always tries to cover his face while he laughs. So adorable.  
> 
> 
>  
> 
> References:  
> • "Buy the ticket..." is a reference to Hunter S. Thompson, especially in _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas._ It means that if you've already gotten yourself in the position to do something weird... you better go all out.  
> • _Zardoz_ is a god awful film starring Sean Connery wearing a full-body thong. Watch it now.  
> • The term "Mary Sue" comes from writing/film theory. Basically, it just means a character that is good at absolutely everything for no good reason. Basement-dwelling males like to say that Rey is only powerful because she's a Mary Sue, but Luke is totally cool because his god-like powers are "because... uh... cause... The FORCE!" Morons.  
> • Twi'leks are a race from _Star Wars_ that usually wear little in the way of clothing. They're the dancing girls with two head tentacles.  
> • Bronies are adult male fans of _My Little Pony_. Most of them are harmless, some of them are perverts. Just like normal guys, honestly.


	6. ...Take the Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You, Jay, and an empty hotel room. Let the games begin!

You head deeper into Jay’s hotel room; past the washroom door and into a large sleeping area. There are two King-sized mattresses set up against the wall on your left and an impressive entertainment system and desk on the wall to your right. Sitting on the desk is a huge gift basket wrapped in red cellophane surrounded by half a dozen 6-packs of beer.

_More free stuff? Damn! Being nerd-famous seem awesome. I wonder if Wil Wheaton is being dragged into his hotel room for sex right now, too?_

You snap back to the delightful task at hand.

The bed closest to the door is covered with Red Letter Media merchandise; posters and shirts in every size stacked into neat piles. You look to Jay and invite him to follow you to the empty bed.

“Oh sorry, no,” Jay apologizes. “That's actually Mike and Rich’s bed. They snore the loudest, so we always make them sleep together. I can move all of this stuff off of mine though,” he explains as reaches for the shirts. “I didn't think you'd ever come back here."

_Oh, you sweet, delicious, little cinnamon roll!_

You grab his hand gently and he drops the RLM shirts. You walk between him and his messy bed to look into his eyes with compassion. You think of a line from your favorite David Lynch character as you stroke your hands down Jay’s bare chest.

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Jay. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it, just let it happen.”

“I love Twin Peaks!” he replies.

“I know, honey...” You smile and kiss him gingerly on the nose. “...we all know.”

You push Jay forcefully on to Mike and Rich’s bed. He falls back on the mattress with a gasp. You watch his body bounce once as he tries to recover from his shock. Jay's legs are splayed open wide from his fall and you take the opportunity to situate yourself in between them. You lean down and run your hands from the inside if his knees up to his groin.

“You don't have t…” Jay tries to speak, but you cut him off.

You palm at his cock, now just a thin layer of cotton boxers separating you both. You can feel him start to swell under your touch.

“I know you might have just met me Jay, but I've wanted you for a long time. I've _dreamed_ about this. There's no way I'm leaving this room without getting my mouth around you, Bauman.”

Jay smiles widely as he shrugs. “Well who am I to stand in the way of your dreams?”

“Oh, you're going to want to be lying down for this. Trust me.”

His Adam’s apple bobs as he gulps in response. You move both hands to his left leg and let them roam down to his feet. You pull off his faded, black Chuck Taylor shoe without untying it and make easy work of taking off his sock. You move to his other leg and quickly repeat the process. You step away as he brings his knees together to remove his jeans. Once he shimmies them past his hips, you grab them and pull them the rest of the way off. You look up to see him smiling nervously, still wearing his boxers, and doing a poor job of hiding his growing erection.

You give Jay a small, knowing smile before settling down on the floor in front of him and easing his knees apart. He pulls himself up to rest on his elbows as he watches you. You can't help but admire the shape of his biceps as they flex to hold him up. Kneeling down on the hotel room floor, you pull down his boxers just enough for his cock to spring free.

_How could a guy who's 5'6” be carrying this around?_

This is Charlie's Golden Ticket, Indiana’s Cross of Corronado, Marsellus Wallace’s briefcase. You’ve never wanted wanting more. You lick your lips with anticipation. 

You wrap your fingers around his shaft and marvel at how velvety soft his skin feels. You lean forward and start to circle your tongue around the head of his cock, feeling his breath hitch and his body tense beneath you. You lick a small bead of cum off his slit as you slowly stroke him.

Hollowing your cheeks, begin to you take him into your mouth. Jay's eyes stay focused on yours, but his mouth lips open wide as you start to take in more of his cock.

You start a languid rhythm; drawing him in deeply, then sucking up to his tip before taking a brief pause and then plunging back down. As the head of his cock hits the back of your throat, you moan with pleasure. The vibration runs through his entire body and makes him groan raggedly.

You use your hand to pump the rest of his throbbing manhood in time with your mouth. Your free hand gently runs up his thigh to caress his balls and his body shakes. Panting, he drops down from his elbows and lays down fully onto the mattress. His hands grip the bed covers as his hips rise up to fuck your mouth.

“Fuck! Your mouth feels so fucking good,” he gasps.

You take your lips away just far enough to respond, but keep up a good pace pumping his cock. Drool drips from your mouth onto the red skin of his hard cock as you take in a breath. You watch his knuckles turn white as they harshly grip the sheets. His body squirms under your quick strokes as sweat starts to form on his heaving chest. His breath is shallow and ragged. You know he's getting close.

“I can't wait for you to cum in my mouth,” you reply.

Your words seem to have their intended effect. Jay grips the sheets into knots his back starts to arch off the bed.

“Holy fucking shit!”

You moan as you lick a long stripe from the bottom of his dick to the top and take him fully into your mouth again.

You quicken your pace; sucking down Jay's cock as far as you can and using your hand to pump the rest. You increase the pressure of your grip and he can't help but thrust up into your mouth.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he screams. 

Suddenly, his body keens forward and he positively GROWLS your name.

You feel his cock pulse before ropes of his cum hit the back of your throat. You continue to stroke him through his orgasm, swallowing his thick seed as you hum around him with your own pleasure. You watch his face contort into ecstasy; bearing his teeth widely as his body trembles under your touch. 

Jay's body collapses back into the bed, his breathing still erratic, and his hands shoot up to his temples. You pop your mouth off of his dick, but keep a soft grip around his shaft. He’s so sensitive that he flinches as you lean back down to finish your work.

You run your free hand up his stomach reassuringly before gently licking the last drop of cum from his softening cock. His body shakes once more before he fully relaxes on the bed.

You release your grip and stand up in between his knees. Jay lays spread-eagle on the mattress, softened manhood resting on his stomach just above his saliva-drenched boxers. He's still panting heavily, palms pressing tightly on hair around his temples. He manages one word before his hands slap down to his cheeks.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

You perform a small curtsy in response as you wipe his cum off of the corner of your mouth.  

“That good, huh?” you ask with a coy smile before licking the rest of his seed from your fingers. 

He inhales sharply before nodding a dozen times in quick succession. You crawl onto the bed to his right and scoot over to his chest, giggling at his inability to speak. Your fingers slowly explore the hills and valleys of his abdomen, paying special attention to each freckle and mole along his rib cage as his breathing slows. A minute or more passes by while you feel his heartbeat though his chest. You start to wonder if he's going to fall asleep. That just won't do. 

“You're supposed to be the talkative, descriptive one, you know,” you remind him. 

Without speaking, his right arm wraps under your head and back around your bare shoulders, pulling you onto his chest. His left hand reaches over and starts to gently run through your hair. He takes another huge breath in as he seems to try to figure out what to say. 

“Fuuuuuuck,” Jay finally responds.

You burst into laughter.

“Well, it's not quite Shakespeare, but I think I get the gist,” you laugh.

Jay tries to get moisture back into his mouth. He coughs and clears his throat twice.

“Oh! Sorry. That was fucking amazing. I honestly don't think I've ever cum that hard in my life,” Jay adds.

"Well, not without autoerotic asphyxiation, right?" You reply with a smile. 

Jay blurts out a laugh and you can feel it reverberate in his chest. He looks down to the top of your head before he responds. 

“Yes, actually. If you didn't come back with me, I was going to give myself the old David Carradine with Rich's belt. This is much better." He nuzzles his beard lightly against your temple as his snickering subsides. "Thank you, though. Oh, fuck! Should I say 'thank you'? Is that weird to say?” Jay asks. 

You want to laugh at him again, but his sincerity and awkwardness is just too damn cute. 

“No, Jay. That's not weird. I'm glad you liked it. But you don't have to thank me yet…” You lick the tip of his nipple before taking it into your mouth and nibbling it softly. “... we're just getting started.”

Jay looks down at you, eyebrows up in surprise, but still drunk with pleasure.

“Fuuuuuuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not kidding about this dude's arms.  
>   
> 
> 
>  
> 
> References:
> 
> •"Take the Ride" is just the other half of Hunter S. Thompson's famous saying. This is when you get to have fun.  
> • Wil Wheaton played Wesley Crusher on _Star Trek: The Next Generation_. He makes a nice living off of going to nerd conventions and blogging about board games. Seems like a pretty sweet life.  
> • _Twin Peaks_ is a television show directed by seemingly Jay's favorite director, David Lynch. Super weird, but also fucking awesome. The quote is from Agent Cooper, played wonderfully by Kyle MacLachlan.  
> • Charlie's Golden Ticket is from _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_. Only 5 were given out to children across the world. Four of those children were gruesomely murdered.  
> • The Cross of Corronado is what Indiana Jones is looking for as a teenager in _The Last Crusade_. It belongs in a museum.  
> • Marsellus Wallace's briefcase is from _Pulp Fiction_. Some people theorize it holds his immortal soul. I theorize it holds a light bulb.  
> • Aautoerotic asphyxiation is when men choke themselves while masturbating to have intense orgasms. Men are weird and gross.  
> • David Carradine was a film and television star who stole the lead role in _Kung Fu_ from Bruce Lee. He died while jerking off. How would you like that written in your obituary?


	7. Short and Sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't quite fit into the last, but I really wanted to include it. It's a smutty fan fiction fantasy, I know, but sometimes it's nice to have some mild justification for sexy sex times.

His eyes are still a mix of exhaustion and excitement as you reach up to hold his face in your hand.

“Don’t worry, man. I’ll let you recover,” you promise him.

“Oh, thank Christ!” Jay blurts out in relief. “The mind is willing but the body is spongy and bruised.”

“Is that just a Futurama reference, or are you really bruised?” you ask with concern.

“Both, actually!” he smiles. His laugh shakes through his body underneath you. “But it's fucking awesome!”

You feel him kiss the crown of your head as he continues to play with your hair. Your arm, still draped across his abdomen, rises and falls as he breathes. You can smell his deodorant as your nose is tickled by the sparse, curly hair on his chest. You commit it all to memory as best you can.

The night has been incredible so far, but something’s been pestering you.

_Don't ask him. Just be grateful! What do you care?_

You can't help your curiosity, so you decide to try your luck.

“Hey, Jay?”

He keeps running his fingers through your hair as he replies.

“Yeah?”

“If you don't mind me saying, you don't seem like the type to bed a girl you met at a con…” you start.

“Yeah. That's not really me, no.”

“May I ask how I got here, then?”

He shifts under you and pulls you up near his face. Both of you lay shirtless on your sides as Jay reaches down to grab your hand. He pulls your knuckles to his lips and kisses them softly. After a few seconds of consideration, he looks directly into your eyes.

“Promise you won't be offended?” He asks.

You give him an incredulous look.

“I can't really promise how I'll feel about what you say," you explain. "But I can say that even if I am offended, I promise to TRY to not punch you in the dick.”

“Fair enough,” Jay replies before kissing your knuckles again. “I’ve loved everything you've done to my dick thus far, but that might be less great.” Jay exhales through his nose as he looks back to you.

“This might sound terrible, but when I met you in line today, you looked a lot like this girl I was totally in love with in high school." He takes a long pause. "She was pretty awful to me, but I couldn't get over her. It was so fucking stupid."

Jay looks embarrassed, but continues on.

"One of her friends told me she liked me and said I should ask her to this school dance. Not like prom or anything, it was just like a Harvest Dance or something. Wisconsin has a lot of those. Anyways, I worked up the nerve to ask her, and she and three of her friends and her _boyfriend_ laughed at me. When your in a school with like 50 people in your grade, word gets around quickly. It wasn't like Carrie-level pig’s-blood terrible, but it fucking sucked. High school in general fucking sucked.”

_Note to self: Find this bitch and kick her in the teeth. Then find her white-trash, methed-out flunkie friends and kick them all in the teeth, too._

“I saw you in line and you looked like her. You’re beautiful. Actually, you’re way prettier than I remember her ever being. So I was really... distracted... by you.”

You hold on to Jay’s hand tightly, waiting patiently for whatever information he thinks will offend you.

“Okay...” you interject.

“But then you talked to me. And you were so funny and nice and encouraging! You smiled at me and complimented me and it was like I was this awkward high school kid again and the girl I was in love with was actually interested in me.”

“Oh! Okay. So you wanted to pound one out with your high school crush?” you ask with genuine curiosity.

“No! No. Not like that! I mean, that's why I was so _intrigued_ , I guess, in you at first. No pounding on the mind, honestly,” he replies. Jay looks down to his hand in yours. “Yeah, you look like her, but you’re totally different. You already owned my movie! And your shirt was awesome and you’d actually seen Big Trouble...." 

_Fuck yeah! The shirt totally worked. Thank YOU, Kurt Russel!_

"... and you were fun and smart! Plus, everything we talked about at the dance. I think you.. you're...”

He looks back up into your eyes before he continues. “You’re amazing.”

Your heart leaps into your throat. You hold back a happy tear and smile back at him. You move in closer, slipping your hand out of his to smooth your finger across his mustache.

“Oh, you dumb, beautiful boy,” you sigh. “Why would you think telling me about that girl make me mad? If you wanted to fuck me bareback on that bitch’s front lawn right now over a loudspeaker, I’d gladly do it.”

Jay bolts forward as he blurts out a hearty laugh. He rolls on to his back and tries to cover his mouth as he cackles, but it does nothing to quiet the sound.

“See,” he says. “It's shit like that!” His laughter gets louder.

“Whaaat?!?!?” you reply with a topless shrug. “I would! She sounds like a stone-cold bitch! Fuck that chick!”

“No, no, no,” he waves dismissively in the air. “I don't want to fuck that chick. She’s awful. Now THIS chick... that's a different story.”

_Is he talking about me?!_

_Of course he is, jackass! You’re the one with your tits out in his hotel room, so, YEAH, pretty sure he's talking about you._

“Me?” you ask out loud.

_Jesus Christ, you fucking moron._

He laughs adorably as he rolls back onto his side to press a kiss to your lips.

“Yeah. I was talking about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same, girl. Same. 
> 
>  
> 
> References:  
> • _Futurama_ is an amazing animated show from the creator of the Simpsons. It was made off and on for about 20 years. The "body is spongy and bruised" is from an episode where some of the male characters are forced to have sex with gigantic women until they die.  
> • _Carrie_ is a 1976 horror classic about an awkward girl who gets bullied at school. They make her prom queen and dump pigs blood on her. It doesn't end well for them.


	8. How Did I Get Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More sexy stuff!

Jay pulls himself up and points to the head of the bed. You scramble up and lay your head on (maybe Mike’s?) pillow and start to wrestle off your jeans. Jay leans down to kiss your lips but you put up your hand to stop him.

“I gotta warn you, Jay. My ass is, like, 20% these jeans.”

He chuckles and tucks his head down to his chest. He looks back up at you with those beautiful eyes.

“If it's anything like the rest of you, I’m sure it's still amazing.”

_Suave, Bauman. Very suave._

You try to ditch your jeans as quickly as you can; Jay running his hands along the newly-exposed flesh of your hips. He runs a trail of small, delicate kisses from behind your right ear, down your neck and across your collarbone. You can't help but curl away from him slightly as you feel the tickle of his mustache ghost between your breasts.

You run your fingers gently through his hair and laugh brightly just before he bows his head and takes your nipple into his mouth. Jay's tongue circles around your nipple twice before he bites down. You gasp and arch your back up into him. He runs his hand along your side and down your rib cage.

You look down to watch his mouth sucking greedily at your breast. The feel of his mouth is just as wonderful as you thought it would be, warm and wet against your skin. But the sensation of his teeth sinking into your flesh is fucking intoxicating; every nibble feels like an electric shock pulsing through your breast and shooting directly to your clit. You wrap your fingers around the back of his neck and moan his name.

Looking down, you can see he's getting hard again.

_God god, it's been like 5 minutes! Does this guy run on batteries?!_

You manage to get your hand down the side of his boxers.

“We’re not going to get very far with those still on,” you pant.

“Oh, we’ve got tons of time for that,” he whispers suggestively against your nipple.

Before you can quite catch his meaning, Jay starts to trail kisses down your chest and on to your stomach. 

_Holy shit._

Jay leans back and loops the sides of your panties in his hands. You move your hips up just enough for him to get them worked off of your ass. He slides them down your legs and flings them onto the floor.

He gently pulls your knees apart, planting sweet kisses further and further up your legs. You know your slick is still coating the highest parts of your inner thighs, but he seems to relish the taste there. He laps up the wetness and hums sensually. You feel his fingers part your lips as he flattens his tongue and licks the full length of your pussy. You shudder at the sensation.

He brings his attention to your sensitive bud and gently sucks. It feels so fucking incredible your body flinches as scream out loudly. You slap your hand down on your mouth to try and keep quiet.

“You don't have to be quiet,” Jay says from between your legs. “I really like hearing you scream.”

You head is swimming too much to form much of a response, so you quickly nod back.

_Well at least you didn't give him a double thumbs up._

Jay grabs the other (Rich’s?) pillow and places it under your ass; tilting your wet pussy up to his face. He returns to licking and sucking your clit as he deftly throws one of your legs over his shoulder.

His hands reach around your thigh and holds you open wide. You feel his lips move down just before he begins to lap greedily at your entrance. He pulls your hips up to his mouth with a moan before he starts to fuck you with his tongue. His sharp nose rubs against your clit as his tongue penetrates you.

Your back arches off the bed and you scream his name. Without thinking, you lace your fingers through the front of his hairline and grind your pussy into his face.

“Fuck! That feel so fucking good, Jay! Holy fuck, you feel amazing!"

He seems to take your fingers in his hair as encouragement and quickens his pace; probing you with his tongue and flicking your clit on the edge of his nose. Tension starts to coil in you, but it's not quite enough. You pull your hands up to massage your breasts while Jay eats your pussy.

“God, this feels so good, but I want more.”

Jay licks back up your pussy to flick his tongue at your clit. Two of his rough fingers start to massage your entrance. Finally, he eases his fingers into you and curls them up toward your belly button. You hear his wet fingers squelch as he pumps into you.

“Don't stop! Fuck! Don't fucking stop!” you babble.

Jay adds another finger and you feel your walls start to clench against him. He reaches around your thigh to lightly pinch your clit as he laps it. It’s almost too fucking much.

Your entire back arches up off the mattress as you moan, tears forming in the corner of your eyes from the intensity of the pleasure he's drawing out of you.

Every muscle in your body is on fire! You grip the sheets into tight fists and grind your hips up into his mouth. Jay moans wantonly as he sucks your clit once more before you shatter. Your scream could wake the dead.

“FUUUUUCK!!”

Your body shakes as your back arches over and over again. You’re still screaming as you try to push Jay away from your soping pussy. It's just too fucking much. He pulls you closer and keeps up the punishing pace of his hands as he laps at your sensitive clit.

“Oh god, oh god, fuck! Fuuuuuuck!”

An second orgasm you didn't even know was building takes you over. Your hands fly up to grasp the pillow behind you as real tears stream down your face. Your hips buck into Jay’s mouth, but he holds your leg too tightly for you to move. You start to beg incoherently.

“Please, Jay! Fuck me! Get up here and fuck me! Please!” you cry out as you collapse back to the bed. 

Jay pulls his hand away from your pussy and wipes it across this mouth before he speaks. You can see the sheen of your slick soaking his beard. Your hips roll of their own accord, beckoning him back to you. When he sits back on his heels, you can see his cock, harder and redder than ever, jutting out from the waistband of his boxers.

He looks totally defeated.

You jolt up to reach out to him.

“Oh my god, what's wrong!? Did I hurt you?”

“What?! No! No. I just don't have any fucking condoms,” he replies as he grips his painfully hard cock.

“Oh!” you respond before the reality of the predicament actually hits you. “OoooOooooooh! SHIT!”

“Yeah. Exactly.” He lets go of his cock and slaps his hands to his sides in frustration. “Not much to do about that.”

You start to look around the room, desperately trying to devise a makeshift condom.

_Rich’s con lanyard? Not big enough and.. OUCHIE!_

You look up to the desk on the other side of the room.

_Gift bag wrapper!? Cellophane is basically latex, right? No, that'd be just a crinkly nightmare._

“WAIT!” you scream. “What about your gift bag?! Have you opened it yet?!”

Still nearly naked in front of you, Jay gives you a bewildered look.

“Why would they give us condoms in a con gift bag?” he asks.

“Cause these things are basically just nerd orgies punctuated by the occasional writers panel, Jay!”

He pulls his boxers back up and leaps off the bed like a man reborn. Jay makes it to the desk in two huge strides and begins to tear through the packaging.  He rifles through the contents of his gift basket, throwing the irrelevant gifts aside. 

“Jelly beans! The fuck!?” he tosses the package on the floor.

“Game of Thrones playing cards…” - Tossed.

“Dr. Who pins…” -  Tossed.

“Captain America-themed beard oil… Hmmm…”  - Placed gently on the desk.

“HOLY SHIT!” Jay exclaims.

Jay spins around with a huge smile from ear to ear; a small black package grasped tightly in his hand.

“Condoms!”

You both scream “Yaaaaay!” and throw a fist up in the air. You keep still, holding your fists up like Judd Nelson at the end of _The Breakfast Club_. After a moment, you remember your nakedness and break character with a smile.

“Well then get over here, you daffy, naked bastard!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine he'd be this excited to find condoms:  
> 
> 
> References:  
> • "How did I get here," is a lyric from _Once in a Lifetime_ by Talking Heads.  
> • Using a pillow under your pelvis is a great way to improve the oral sex experience for both the giver and recipient.


	9. All Good Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The *climax* of the story, if you will.

You get on your knees and shimmy over to the edge of the bed. Jay breaks open the cardstock packaging of the condom box and pulls out the long roll from inside. His hands are still coated in your slick and he can’t get a good hold on the plastic packaging.

You take a soft grip of his dick and pull him towards you. You look back up at his face of pure concentration as he struggles with the roll of condoms. He’s biting his bottom lip so hard, you wonder if he might draw blood.

_God, he’s cute when he struggles to do stuff._

“Just gimmie!” you tell him as you reach out your palm to him.

You put the edge of the package into your mouth and tear it open while still stroking his cock. You hold the wrapper in your teeth and pull the condom out. You give Jay's dick one last kiss before putting the condom on his tip and unfurling it down. You spit out the condom wrapper and lean back to admire both your work and Jay's impressive manhood standing at full attention.

_Fucking glorious._

Jay leans over you and kisses your forehead. He steps out of his boxers and moves to lay you down across the mattress; your head pointing toward the door. He crawls up your body and your legs wrap firmly around his waist. He kisses up your chest and onto your clavicle.

“Did I tell you that you're amazing?” he whispers in your ear.

“I don’t think so, no,” you tease. Your arms wrap around his back as his mustache tickles feather-light on your neck. You feel his body shake as he chuckles.

“Wow! I am such an asshole! In that case, I should tell you, now, for the first time ever: I think you're amazing.” Jay purrs into your ear.

He pulls away from your neck to look you in the eyes.

“Honestly. You are,” he confesses.

You reach up to hold his face closer to yours.

“So are you, Jay.”

His bashful, toothy smile is painfully cute. You crane your neck up to place a kiss on his lips. He hums contentedly against your mouth. As your lips part to him, you feel him reach down to his hard cock and line himself up to your entrance.

You feel his dick press into your pussy, but not quite at the right angle. You shift your hips up and to the left.

 _Perfect_.

He slides in an inch before Jay groans helplessly into your ear. Your legs clamp down on his back and force him in deeper.

He finally bottoms out inside of you and stills. His eyes are closed shut tightly and breathing is erratic.

_He looks so fucking beautiful like this._

You gaze adoringly at his face, his teeth bared and mouth open wide as he pants in sweet agony. The feel of his whole body against yours and stretch of his cock against your walls is delicious. You grind your hips up into his; encouraging him to move.

Jay pulls out slowly before easing back into you. He opens his shining hazel eyes to yours. 

“Did I ever tell you that you've got a great cock?”

“You have not, no,” Jay chuckles lightly.

“Well you really, really do.”

Jay presses his lips to yours as he bottoms inside your pussy and the hotel door opens.

_THE FUCK?!!_

Jay stays on top of you as he frantically grabs the top blanket on the mattress and throws it over you both. It only manages to cover half of his ass and one of the legs you have wrapped around him.

“Jay?! Jaaaaaaaay! Someone put a sign on the outside of the door. Was that an accident or are you jer... ” Rich says loudly as he stumbles over your bra in the entryway. He quickly looks down to see a pile of clothes in the hallway then up to you. From your angle, Rich is upside down and looks absolutely horrified.

“Yeah, not an accident, Rich!” Jay yells.

“Oh! Fuck! Shit! I'm so sorry!” Rich slaps his hands up to cover his eyes like a child watching a scary movie. “Jesus! Fuck! I'll come back later,” Rich screams.

“Okay. Just give us like…” Jay looks to you and smiles. “What do you think? Like 20 minutes?” You bury your laughing face into his flexed forearm as he holds himself up to address Rich.

“Sure,” you finally reply into his arm.

“Like 20 minutes, Rich!” Jay yells to the hallway.

Rich is halfway out the door when you hear him call back, “Right! Yeah! An hour! Gotcha! Bye!”

The door slams shut before you both burst into laughter, naked chest to naked chest, Jay's cock still seated firmly inside of you.

You can still hear Rich’s voice on the other side of the door:

“No, Mike! Do NOT fucking go in there! Jay's with that girl from the booth.”

Mike's loud voice chimes in:

“Oh come on! Seriously?! The fuck?! Goddammit!”

Their voices fade as they walk back down the hallway.

You look up to Jay's grinning face above you.

“Reeeeeeaaaaaly? I’m the ‘girl from the booth,’ aye? Oh my! I feel just like a slutty Cinderella!”

“No, Slutty Cinderella came for an autograph like 20 minutes after you. Gotta say I wasn't impressed.” Jay smiles as he bends down to kiss you.

You melt into his kiss, reaching to touch his jawline and moaning against his lips. He begins to move inside of you again; Rich’s interruption and your mid-coital banter have done seemingly nothing to dampen his enthusiasm.

Your heels hook around each other behind his back as the bed cover falls off of you both. He thrusts deeply into your core as you rock against his pelvis. You feel his length pulling out and just barely rubbing against your clit before he plunges back into you. His hips start to move in time with yours, grinding more deeply into you. One of your hands reaches to the back of his neck while the other grabs on to his ass firmly; guiding his rhythm.

Your tongues circle each other in a sloppy kiss. You gasp out in pleasure when his cock hits a particularly sensitive spot inside of you. Jay moves from your mouth to pepper kisses down your neck and on to your breasts. As he bites down playfully on your nipple, you moan his name like a desperate prayer.

“I want to see all of you,” Jay says as he begins to sit back on his heels.

He straddles one of your thighs and rotates your pelvis slightly to point your other leg straight up against his abdomen. His left hand pulls the back of your knee flush to his chest as kisses your ankle, now right next to his ear. You are completely open to him now; served up on a platter.

He rubs against your clit and watches you with anticipation as you wantonly rock against his hand. He hikes your leg up higher and lines his cock up with your waiting pussy. Jay enters you again, this time far more confidently.

You swear his dick got bigger in the last 30 seconds.

The new position brings him much deeper into you and you find yourself wondering if you can take all of him. Jay increases his intensity, pumping into you more and more quickly. Your breasts bounce each time he roughly snaps his hips into you. You look up and see the muscles in his left arm flex tightly as he holds your leg against his chest.

He looks so sinfully sexy like this. His sweat-drenched hair is starting to fall into his eyes, his mouth hangs open as his eyes stare down to watch his cock as it penetrates you over and over again. Jay’s right hand is splayed out low on your stomach as he uses his thumb to circle your swollen clit.

“You’re so fucking deep,” you pant out to him.

As much as you love this view of his body, your legs start to ache from being spread open so wide.

“Can you fuck me from behind?” you ask breathlessly.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

Jay pulls his cock out of you and eases back to the far side of the of bed. You get up on your knees and move closer to him. You’re nearly the same height like this, completely bare to each other. You smile at him playfully.

“You should go topless more often,” you tell him.

“You, too,” he offers back with a toothy smile.

Before you can turn away from him, he reaches out to hold your face in his hand. He wraps his arm around your back and brings you to his chest for a soft kiss. It’s such a sweet and delicate gesture; completely at odds with the hard, wet cock currently pressed into your abdomen.

Jay backs away from the bed far enough for you to put you back to him and swing your feet over the edge of the mattress. You cross your ankles over each other while he moves into place behind you. His chest presses into your back as he smooths both of his hands along your shoulders. His left hand moves forward to cup your breast and his right roams down to stomach and into your folds. You buck slightly as his fingers penetrate you again. You roll your head back to rest on Jay’s shoulder and feel his hot breath tickling the hair on your neck. His teeth sink into the flesh of your collarbone before he pulls away to lick and suck the same tender area.

His hand starts to massage your breast more forcefully. He grabs a handful of your breast and works his thumb over your nipple. You moan helplessly, biting your lip and whispering his name as the pleasure takes over your body completely. You are perilously close to the edge, but you are desperate to feel his cock inside you again.

“Please,” you beg. “Please fuck me, Jay. I need your cock in me now.”

His body shivers in response to your request and he gently removes his hands from your breast and pussy. He places them one on each of your hips before leaning down to kiss your neck; just behind your ear.

“Your pussy feels so good, I don’t know how long I can last if I fuck you like this,” he whispers before biting down on your earlobe.

“Then you better fuck me like you mean it,” you purr back. "Actually, no. Fuck me like you _paid_ for it."

Jay's expression goes three shades darker as he hears your words. You give him a wink as you turn your back to him. You bend down and feel the mattress under your fingertips as you stretch your body out before him. Jay keeps his hands on your hips and holds you exactly where he wants you. You feel him take his hand away to coat his cock with the wetness dripping from your pussy.

He holds his breath as he guides his tip into your entrance. As his cock eases deep into you, he slowly exhales; savoring every inch of your tight walls as they stretch to accommodate him. Both hands now grip your hips, guiding your ass back against him and burying his cock deep in your wet heat.

Jay pumps into you in long, languid strokes as your body slowly rolls back against him. The pressure of his cock sliding inside of you between your tightly shut legs is fucking incredible. You can hear his deep voice call your name between raspy, obscene moans. Jay glides his hands across the sheen of sweat covering your body; up from your hips and along your sides to your chest. You arch your back up to allow him easier access as he grabs both of your breasts in his hands. He pulls down on them firmly, rolling your hard nipples between his fingers as you gasp with ecstasy.

Your clit is so sensitive from cumming so many times already, the pressure of his throbbing cock is sending shockwaves through your body. Fire starts to pool in your abdomen.

“You feel so fucking good. I’m so close. Fuck me harder, please.”

Jay growls as he leans back. His hands claw against your hips as you keen against him. He sets a punishing pace, slamming into you faster and harder than you thought possible. Jay’s fingers are pressed so deeply into your skin, know you’re going to have dark bruises there.

_Fuck it._

Your tits bounce forward sharply each time he pounds into your cunt. The room is filled with the sound of Jay's wet cock slipping into you as his pelvis slams against your ass.

“Oh god, yes. Fuck!”

The pleasure is so intense your vision starts to blur. The fire in your pussy starts to spread out to the rest of your body. Your toes curl and you know you’re going to explode.

“I’m going to fucking cum! Fuck!” you cry. “Fuck! Don’t stop! Don’t Fucking stop!”

Your arms tense as your hips buck uncontrollably against him.

Jay’s thrusts become erratic as a strangled growl escapes through his gritted teeth.

“FUCK!” he screams out. “I’m cumming! Fuck!”

He buries his dick inside of you as deeply as he can, holding you in place with both hands. You feel his cock twitch inside of you as his seed starts to fills the condom. 

His words send you tumbling over the edge. Waves of fire radiate through your body as your pussy flutters against his cock. You groan profanely while shockwaves of electricity run up your spine. Your hips grind against him, milking his cock of every last drop. Your arms give out and your chest comes crashing down on the bed.

Jay collapses on one knee at the edge of the mattress. He makes his way over far enough to fall on his back next to you.

You lay like that, desperately trying to catch your breath, for almost a minute. Your throat is hoarse from an evening full of moans and screaming and you’re unsure if your voice will work now. You look over to Jay, his beautiful body covered in sweat as his chest heaves with every breath. He begins to run his hand through his damp hair. 

“Holyfuckingshit,” he blurts out as one word.

You still don’t have enough moisture in your mouth to respond with words, but you can’t help a laugh. You wet your lips as you stretch an arm around him.

“I agree,” you finally manage.

Jay cranes his neck up to survey the damage. His arms are covered in scratch marks, his shoulders streaked with red lipstick. Down further, cum is leaking out of the condom onto his stomach. His head flops back down to the bed.

“I should probably take care of that,” he says half-heartedly.

“Mmmm hmm,” you purr against his chest.

A few seconds later, he gently moves your arm so he can get up. He stands on wobbly legs and takes a moment to regain his balance. He walks completely naked to the bathroom to dispose of the condom.

When he makes it back, you’ve finally regained enough control of your body to roll over on to your side. He crawls into bed and lays on his side next to you.

“Mmmmm. Thank you, Jay.”

“Thank me?! Jesus. Thank YOU,” Jay says as he starts a hearty laugh. “That was… fuck… that was great.”

“Yes. It was. I hope your neighbors didn’t call the cops. That was a lot of screaming,” you respond with a smile.

He leans forward to kiss your forehead and you move closer to feel the heat of his body. His arm wraps around you and pulls you into his chest.

You want to stay curled up next to him all night, but you know that can’t happen here. You don't want to be here when Mike and Rich discover what you've done with their pillows.

“Hey,” you chime in. “Would you want to sleep with me tonight?”

“Like...AGAIN? I don’t know if I..” you cut him off.

“No, you weirdo. Not fuck again. Like SLEEP sleep with me. I have my own room here,” you explain.

“Oh!” His eyes light up. “Shit! Yeah! Absolutely! That sounds great!”

Jay pulls himself up from the bed and starts a quick, naked search for his clothing. You manage to make your way up to a sitting position to admire the view.

The first item Jay happens to find is his shirt which he immediately puts back on. He resumes his search as you burst into laughter.

“You just going to Porky-Pig-it around your room all night now? Just ass-out in the breeze, Winnie-the-Poo style?” you tease.

“Maybe I will!” he laughs as he waves his newly-discovered boxers in the air. “Actually, airing out would be nice. Or a shower. We reek of sex. These boxers are toast. But we should get out of here before they get back.”

You and Jay both rummage through the room, finding each other’s clothes spread out across every inch of the floor. You toss him his socks, he passes you your bra. It's a far cry from getting his clothes off, but the domestic nature of the task is actually kind of comforting.

When you're fully dressed, you make your way to his door. He reaches for the handle and pauses. He turns around to face you as you slip your foot into your shoe. He pulls your face up to his and kisses you sweetly.

“Hey. I just want to tell you I had an amazing time. Not just in this room, though that was fucking awesome. Tonight was definitely a lot of firsts for me and I'm really happy it was with you,” he confesses proudly.

“I appreciate that, Jay,” you reply. “I’m happy, too. And sore. And very sticky. But mostly happy.”

You kiss him softly, sighing contentedly as his forehead comes to rest against yours. You take a moment to run your fingers through his short beard before pulling away quickly.

“Now grab the condoms. There's 72 hours left of this con, Bauman, and I'd like you to be inside of me for at least half of them.”

Jay beams before jumping back towards the bedroom.

“I'll grab my toothbrush!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> This was my first fic ever and I had a great time writing it. Over 18,000 words! Geez! That's a lot of smut! :)
> 
> I know Red Letter Media/Jay Bauman smut isn't the most popular topic here, but I get enough interest, maybe I'll expand this. I've got some ideas swirling around about fooling around in the RLM studio. And in Jay's car. And his office. And in a Milwaukee theatre. Really everywhere. :)
> 
> References:
> 
> • All Good Things is the title of the last episode of _Star Trek: The Next Generation_. It's phenomenal.  
> • Porky Pig and Winnie-the-Poo wear shirts with no pants. It's fucked up when you think about it.
> 
> Added bonus:
> 
> Rich horrified while Jay smiles. 


End file.
